Category Archives: Too Big to Fail

Entry from Secret Diary of Wall Street Banker, Found

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Date of Lehman Brothers Failure:

 

  • wow, didn’t see that one coming
  • note to self:
  • prepay this year’s lobbying expenses

 Date of banking bailout:

 

  • we are off the hook!  No matter how stupid investing in those #$&@ was, the U.S. Congress has declared my bank, “too big to fail.”  I don’t care what they call me.  Heck they can make me out to be greedy and arrogant if they want. I’ll even scowl at a photo op if it will help with the PR stuff.  Is this a great country or what!
  • note to self:
  • send bottle of scotch to the lobbying team and whoever our “elected” representatives are
  • invite Secretary of Treasury to join us in our sky box for the Superbowl, again
  • increase lobbying budget for next year.  What am I thinking, I should prepay the next few years since it doesn’t cost me anything

 

Dodd-Frank bill introduced:

 

  •  wow, didn’t see that one coming.  This can’t be good.  Call Dodd and Frank to find out if they know what’s in it and what we can do about it
  • note to self:
  • really increase lobbying budget
  • invite Dodd and Frank to join us in our sky box for the Superbowl (it couldn’t hurt and now they’ll probably have to decline it, hah!)
  • prepay bonus, pay off all outstanding debt (whatever that means), buy that other vacation home now that real estate prices have fallen.  It’s days like this that I’m glad to have been born in America

 

 Dodd-Frank bill passes:

 

  • are you kidding me?  Time for Plan B, the “impact on job creation due to all this new regulation and uncertainty” argument.
  • note to self:
  • Maybe I should start personally reading those emails addressed to me…
  • This must have happened while I was at my newest vacation house last week- go figure.  Boy, did I get a good deal on that “distressed” beach front property.  I don’t understand why all those people say they can’t get new mortgage loans.  I got mine with one phone call.
  • ask the other big banking guys what they are doing about this during our next weekly poker game
  • increase and prepay the PR budget
  •  double the lobbying budget; prepay their kids college expenses as a sign of the commitment and faith I have in them
  • add a second sky box and tell the lobbyists that can have it year round by hitting their goals. They’ll know what to do-talk about incentives!
  • put the plan to “retire” Barney Frank in motion; it worked on Dodd.  Surely enough time has passed now since we moved Dodd into that sweet Hollywood lobbying gig. That reminds me, send thank you note to Dodd for the advance copy of the new Mission Impossible movie.
  • increase funds for the “Stop Picking on U.S.” and “Lobbyists have jobs and pay taxes too” Super Pacs
  • call Cuomo and let him know it’s time to move to the final phase of the legalize gay marriage in New York contingency plan.  That should keep the press busy for awhile; heck it may even create some jobs, too.
  • increase PR effort on Europe’s Sovereign Debt “crisis”, I want something bad sounding coming out almost daily.  The press can’t ignore that one, either.
  • call heads of Europe big banks and tell them don’t worry.  Just be sure not to use the “too big too fail” model language I previously sent them.  Suggest something like, the “Euro Currency Union must be preserved, otherwise it will be catastrophic for the European economy in 2012.” Or, “we don’t want another Lehman Bros.”

 

Resume Trading credit derivatives for the Bank’s own account:

 

  • To hell with trying to keep up with the new regulations.  They are ambiguous anyway, at least to me.
  • This is no time to be timid.  Like Admiral Faragut said, “Damn the taxpayers, full speed ahead.”
  • note to self:
  •  Ambiguity rocks!   It gives me the flexibility I want, while providing the illusion of clarity.
  • Assign risk oversight to those 3 Directors on the Board that haven’t yet had any experience working as financial risk managers.  This will be a good developmental assignment for them.  What is a reassuring name I can use when I refer to them?  Maybe, Board level “risk committee.”
  •  If there is a big trading loss, I’ll just “retire” those responsible.
  • What’s the worst that could happen?

 

  • Thank the lobbyists for their work.  Tell them they have a very bright future ahead…

How Does Bank of America Define “Relationship?”

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BoA offers a “relationship” pin number so you can avoid answering a gazillion questions when you call in.  Sounds good to me.  I hear about this during a call I made to a customer service representative (supervisor) in connection with a $29.95 monthly maintenance fee I just incurred. They require a $3000.00 minimum in business checking accounts to avoid this fee.  I say, speaking of relationships I keep about $500,000.00 with your bank between, business, investment, and personal so why doesn’t that count toward the $3000.00 minimum? “Because there is no way to link the business to the other accounts,” I’m told.   I then ask, how do you guys define “relationship?”  The
answer, “Our system can’t do that a present.  So then I ask about signing up for the relationship pin which I suggested should be called the “hassle avoidance” pin instead.  “Unfortunately that can be done only on a different inbound call” (which means I have to answer all the questions that I’m trying to avoid by signing up for the relationship PIN!).  So it’s as if none of this 24 minute conversation ever took place?  “I’m afraid so.”

Does that sound like a relationship to you?

All this from the bank that says they want my business; strange way of showing it.

I Patented Dust

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Why?

I had to find a (new) way to help fund my retirement.  My old way of working, saving, and investing turned out to be a cruel joke – thanks to Congress, and the financial system (banks too big too fail, but not too proud to take taxpayer money for doing so), mainly.

So I decided to patent dust and live off the royalties.

Dust is everywhere.  It affects lots of people.

Best of all there are lots of companies that make and sell products related to dust, or the effects of dust.

Most of those companies have legal departments whose mission is to avoid risk, the appearance of risk, and perhaps even words that sound like risk, or are, in fact, risky.

In simple terms a lot of  legal departments really work had to avoid “litigation.”

“Litigation” is the natural language of lawyers; since there may be as many lawyers as there are clusters of dust, I figured I was on to something – I just needed to find a way to get their attention.

Interesting side note.  In most companies, the legal department is a cost center.  That means they constantly have to demonstrate they are worth the cost of existence (since they actually add no value to the business).  One way they do this is help avoid or reduce the costs of potentially damaging litigation, i.e. risk.

Want to see a lawyer’s face light up with pure joy?  Mention the words “patent litigation” or “bill by the hour.”  From a lawyer’s perspective, it doesn’t even matter whether you are the patent holder or the patent violator.  For lawyers, it’s a “win” either way.

Anyway, knowing that all those legal departments are looking for a way to justify their existence, I decided to patent dust.  Then, I sent a letter (from a lawyer of course) notifying those firms that may be infringing on my dust patent.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Oh, here is another interesting side note.  I can never remember jokes – except for this one.

Strangely enough, it is a lawyer joke. It goes like this…

“Two self-respecting lawyers…”

Get it?    That is both the joke and the punchline!! (I’m told there is no such thing as self-respecting lawyers).

I may be the only person that is grateful for lawyers and the work they do on behalf of the companies they represent.

I’m not proud of it though.