Category Archives: Too Dumb to Make Sense

How Does Bank of America Define “Relationship?”

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BoA offers a “relationship” pin number so you can avoid answering a gazillion questions when you call in.  Sounds good to me.  I hear about this during a call I made to a customer service representative (supervisor) in connection with a $29.95 monthly maintenance fee I just incurred. They require a $3000.00 minimum in business checking accounts to avoid this fee.  I say, speaking of relationships I keep about $500,000.00 with your bank between, business, investment, and personal so why doesn’t that count toward the $3000.00 minimum? “Because there is no way to link the business to the other accounts,” I’m told.   I then ask, how do you guys define “relationship?”  The
answer, “Our system can’t do that a present.  So then I ask about signing up for the relationship pin which I suggested should be called the “hassle avoidance” pin instead.  “Unfortunately that can be done only on a different inbound call” (which means I have to answer all the questions that I’m trying to avoid by signing up for the relationship PIN!).  So it’s as if none of this 24 minute conversation ever took place?  “I’m afraid so.”

Does that sound like a relationship to you?

All this from the bank that says they want my business; strange way of showing it.

I Patented Dust

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Why?

I had to find a (new) way to help fund my retirement.  My old way of working, saving, and investing turned out to be a cruel joke – thanks to Congress, and the financial system (banks too big too fail, but not too proud to take taxpayer money for doing so), mainly.

So I decided to patent dust and live off the royalties.

Dust is everywhere.  It affects lots of people.

Best of all there are lots of companies that make and sell products related to dust, or the effects of dust.

Most of those companies have legal departments whose mission is to avoid risk, the appearance of risk, and perhaps even words that sound like risk, or are, in fact, risky.

In simple terms a lot of  legal departments really work had to avoid “litigation.”

“Litigation” is the natural language of lawyers; since there may be as many lawyers as there are clusters of dust, I figured I was on to something – I just needed to find a way to get their attention.

Interesting side note.  In most companies, the legal department is a cost center.  That means they constantly have to demonstrate they are worth the cost of existence (since they actually add no value to the business).  One way they do this is help avoid or reduce the costs of potentially damaging litigation, i.e. risk.

Want to see a lawyer’s face light up with pure joy?  Mention the words “patent litigation” or “bill by the hour.”  From a lawyer’s perspective, it doesn’t even matter whether you are the patent holder or the patent violator.  For lawyers, it’s a “win” either way.

Anyway, knowing that all those legal departments are looking for a way to justify their existence, I decided to patent dust.  Then, I sent a letter (from a lawyer of course) notifying those firms that may be infringing on my dust patent.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Oh, here is another interesting side note.  I can never remember jokes – except for this one.

Strangely enough, it is a lawyer joke. It goes like this…

“Two self-respecting lawyers…”

Get it?    That is both the joke and the punchline!! (I’m told there is no such thing as self-respecting lawyers).

I may be the only person that is grateful for lawyers and the work they do on behalf of the companies they represent.

I’m not proud of it though.