I know someone who has been allergic to kids ever since I’ve known them.  Nothing seems to help.  Except avoiding kids. Or any indication that kids are around, have recently been around, and occasionally (on the really “bad days”) – expected to be around at some point in the future.

If you or someone you know suffers from kid allergies, maybe there is reason to be hopeful.

TO:  My Fellow Congressmen

FROM:  N. Pelosi

SUBJECT:  Jobs for Americans

It has come to my attention that millions of our citizens are out of work. Apparently they’ve also spent all the unemployment checks we kept sending.

This is unacceptable in a country such as ours, with a $14 Trillion dollar annual economy.

How can this happen?

Seriously, how can this happen?

Do you have any idea how big $14 Trillion really is?

If you laid each of those dollars end to end, the line they make would stretch all the way from those with jobs to the U.S. Treasury.  At that point, they would enter what can only be described as a taxpayer funded black hole.  No one would ever see any of that money, ever again.  So even though $14 Trillion sounds like a big number, and by all accounts, is a really big number, it makes no difference.  The money just disappears.

What’s the solution?

We need more jobs.

I ask you, what good is raising tax revenue, tax rates, and closing tax-related loopholes if there is no one actually earning a living from a job?  Any job.

Even those with a government job have to pay taxes, don’t they?

Sure, it seems like a paradox that though every government job is funded by taxpayers, if we tax those in the private sector more, we can create more government jobs so those jobs can pay taxes, which we can use to create even more government jobs, etc.

You get the picture.

Its like a fusion reactor for jobs and taxes.  Once it gets started it never ends, feeds on itself, and never runs out of fuel or food or something like that.

Anyway, today I’m asking for your help.  This is a true bipartisan opportunity.

I ask only this one question.

Does anyone here in Congress know how to create a friggin job in the private sector?

Thanks.  NP.

PS. (Jobs in China don’t count)

PPS.  Don’t forget your secret Santa gifts.  It’s only a month away.  Shorter if we figure it in congressional days. Remember-it’s against the law to use taxpayer money to buy these gifts.  So use cash.

An entire book on statistics?

Sounds like the perfect cure for insomnia…

Who in their right mind would ever read something like that?

“we will assimilate you”

U.S. Congress:

“we will assimilate your money-we don’t give a crap about you”

Next Session of U.S. Congress:

“We will first absquatulate, and then assimilate your money”

FYI, we still don’t give a crap about you.  Case in point,  that’s why we named the tax increase health care bill, the Affordable Care Act.  It’s very affordable to us since you idiot voters our valued constituents pay the premiums.  Besides, we here in Congress have the best health care plan on the planet.  Thanks for that.

• wow, didn’t see that one coming

• note to self:

• prepay this year’s lobbying expenses

 Date of banking bailout:

• we are off the hook!  No matter how stupid investing in those #$&@ was, the U.S. Congress has declared my bank, “too big to fail.”  I don’t care what they call me.  Heck they can make me out to be greedy and arrogant if they want. I’ll even scowl at a photo op if it will help with the PR stuff.  Is this a great country or what!

• note to self:

• send bottle of scotch to the lobbying team and whoever our “elected” representatives are

• invite Secretary of Treasury to join us in our sky box for the Superbowl, again

• increase lobbying budget for next year.  What am I thinking, I should prepay the next few years since it doesn’t cost me anything

Dodd-Frank bill introduced:

•  wow, didn’t see that one coming.  This can’t be good.  Call Dodd and Frank to find out if they know what’s in it and what we can do about it

• note to self:

• really increase lobbying budget

• invite Dodd and Frank to join us in our sky box for the Superbowl (it couldn’t hurt and now they’ll probably have to decline it, hah!)

• prepay bonus, pay off all outstanding debt (whatever that means), buy that other vacation home now that real estate prices have fallen.  It’s days like this that I’m glad to have been born in America

 Dodd-Frank bill passes:

• are you kidding me?  Time for Plan B, the “impact on job creation due to all this new regulation and uncertainty” argument.

• note to self:

• Maybe I should start personally reading those emails addressed to me…

• This must have happened while I was at my newest vacation house last week- go figure.  Boy, did I get a good deal on that “distressed” beach front property.  I don’t understand why all those people say they can’t get new mortgage loans.  I got mine with one phone call.

• ask the other big banking guys what they are doing about this during our next weekly poker game

• increase and prepay the PR budget

•  double the lobbying budget; prepay their kids college expenses as a sign of the commitment and faith I have in them

• add a second sky box and tell the lobbyists that can have it year round by hitting their goals. They’ll know what to do-talk about incentives!

• put the plan to “retire” Barney Frank in motion; it worked on Dodd.  Surely enough time has passed now since we moved Dodd into that sweet Hollywood lobbying gig. That reminds me, send thank you note to Dodd for the advance copy of the new Mission Impossible movie.

• increase funds for the “Stop Picking on U.S.” and “Lobbyists have jobs and pay taxes too” Super Pacs

• call Cuomo and let him know it’s time to move to the final phase of the legalize gay marriage in New York contingency plan.  That should keep the press busy for awhile; heck it may even create some jobs, too.

• increase PR effort on Europe’s Sovereign Debt “crisis”, I want something bad sounding coming out almost daily.  The press can’t ignore that one, either.

• call heads of Europe big banks and tell them don’t worry.  Just be sure not to use the “too big too fail” model language I previously sent them.  Suggest something like, the “Euro Currency Union must be preserved, otherwise it will be catastrophic for the European economy in 2012.” Or, “we don’t want another Lehman Bros.”

Resume Trading credit derivatives for the Bank’s own account:

• To hell with trying to keep up with the new regulations.  They are ambiguous anyway, at least to me.

• This is no time to be timid.  Like Admiral Faragut said, “Damn the taxpayers, full speed ahead.”

• note to self:

•  Ambiguity rocks!   It gives me the flexibility I want, while providing the illusion of clarity.

• Assign risk oversight to those 3 Directors on the Board that haven’t yet had any experience working as financial risk managers.  This will be a good developmental assignment for them.  What is a reassuring name I can use when I refer to them?  Maybe, Board level “risk committee.”

•  If there is a big trading loss, I’ll just “retire” those responsible.

• What’s the worst that could happen?

• Thank the lobbyists for their work.  Tell them they have a very bright future ahead…

“What is the favorite breed among millionaire dog owners?”

“Dollar-Sniffers”

Though this may be the case, you should know that “dollar-sniffing” is a skill, not a breed.

You won’t find others like me at a pet store.  What about registered Pedigree Breeders?  No chance.

Go ahead and laugh if you want.  After all, we dollar-sniffing dogs are known for our sense of humor.  Its a prerequisite requirement.

Not many of us blog, though.

I come from a proud line of sniffing dogs.  You name it, someone in my family sniffs it.

So when I heard rumors of the opportunity to “help” the government, I wanted to do my patriotic sniffing duty.

Maybe I can help catch terrorists or cat lovers, I thought.

Dollars?  Seriously?

Must be the next best way to catch terrorists or cat lovers, I reasoned (I speak often with my peers who find drugs or explosives; they tell me there are no more openings for those jobs)

My first “dollar find” has made the news.  You can read about it here.

When the story broke, I took it home to show my family.

They just laughed.  “At least its a paycheck” my mom said.  She has always been supportive.

Sent to us by a dollar sniffing dog (name withheld for obvious reasons)

“Ducks” in a row, “Pigs” in a blanket, “Jackasses” in _______

Choices:

A. the barn

B. Congress

This does two things.

First, it gives each member practice at voting (something that perplexes many incumbents as well).

Second, like a “theme party,” the motto reminds everyone of the what main purpose is for the gathering.

The motto for the 112th session of Congress is:

“Tax and spend-It’s what we do”

“we will assimilate you”

U.S. Congress:

“we will assimilate your money-we don’t give a crap about you”